The Most Frightening Thing on Earth
As for me, I said in my alarm, “I am cut off from before Your eyes”; nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications when I cried to You. Psalm 31:22 NASB
My alarm– So scared you can’t move. Petrified by fear. Traumatized. Ah, when did that happen to you? Maybe it was so bad that you really can’t quite remember (if so, then you better read Bessel van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score). Maybe you can remember but just don’t want to talk about it. My observation is that very few of us get through life without trauma, sometimes severe trauma, and trauma always changes our perception of reality (in fact, van der Kolk’s research shows that it physically alters brain chemistry).
If we stop treating David as some sanctified poet, a model of God’s intentions for men (oh, yeah, he did make a few mistakes, but God forgave him), the author of all those wonderful poems that are so comforting and enduring; if we stopped treating him as something other than human, I think we would discover a man who struggled with intense feelings of abandonment, deep personal betrayal, family trauma, abuse and other psychological stresses that would probably drive us toward suicide. But none of these were on the top of David’s most frightening list. What was? Simple: YHVH looks away!
David describes his sense of panic with the Hebrew word ḥāpaz. The use suggests that David is on the flight side of the colloquial “flight-fight” syndrome. Notice Lewis Jack’s comments in TWOT:
There is no clear distinction between Qal and Niphal forms in meaning. In two contexts it parallels terms meaning fear (Deut 20;3, “tremble”; Ps 48:5 [H 6], RSV “took to flight”: KJV “hasted away”). Some contexts give support, though less than decisive support, for a meaning of “hasten” (i.e. in terror). The hasty flight of Mephibosheth’s nurse (II Sam 4:4) and the hasty retreat of the Aramaeans (II Kgs 7:15) are examples. Once, the term serves as a poetic parallel for “fled” (Ps 104:7). “Being in terror” suits well the context of Ps 116:11 (RSV “consternation”), Ps 31:22 [H 23] (RSV “alarm”), and I Sam 23:26 (“David was fearful so that he went away” writer’s translation). The meaning of this term in Job 40:23 is unclear (KJV “hasteth”; RSV “frightened”). “Flee in terror” may summarize its meanings.[1]
As a side note, Jack’s comment that there is no clear distinction between the Qal and the Niphal is interesting. Usually, the Qal is the simple verb form which allows alteration. In the Niphal, the verb becomes passive (an action done to someone or something). But with this verb, it appears that the action is indeterminate, much like the experience itself. Is flight-trauma about me or about what appears to threaten me, or both at the same time? Since Hebrew is experiential rather than abstract, perhaps this grammatical confusion really captures what it means to be “alarmed” for David. Life loses its boundaries. It is no longer rationally contained. Things happen that seem out of control. We’ve fallen into the emotional pit of uncertainty about who we are, who we can trust and what will happen. So, we run! ḥāpaz. When we really experience the feeling that God has turned away, has given up on us, what is there left to do but run!
The imagery reminds me of Adam’s response after he attempted to run (hide) from YHVH. The translation in the English text often disguises a crucial fact. Adam does not answer God’s inquiry, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” Rather, he responds, “I hear the sound of You in the garden and I am afraid because naked.” Adam’s fear is not past tense. It is a present, living reality, a trauma still in progress. There is no place to hide.
In some ways, David’s response is the same as Adam’s. “I thought You left me. I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to hide (run).” But unlike Adam, David is immediately aware of God’s care. “Even when I thought You had turned away, You heard the terror in my voice and my cries for mercy.” Unlike Adam, David doesn’t attempt to fix the trauma himself. As soon as he is aware of the feelings of breach, he cries for help.
Adam or David. Which are you? The trauma doesn’t go away, but the direction of its integration is radically different for these two men.
Topical Index: trauma, alarm, ḥāpaz, fear, Genesis 3:10, Psalm 31:22
[1]Lewis, J. P. (1999). 708 חָפַז. In R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke (Eds.), Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament(310). Chicago: Moody Press.
I am currently reading a new book called Journey Through Trauma written by Gretchen L Schmelzer which may be the simplest, most helpful book on how to navigate through recovery I have ever seen. It could be a must have on the shelf of every trauma survivor and their loved ones.
In it Gretchen describes her own journey and recounts an incident with her therapist where, instead of telling the therapist that she was terrified of reenacting a facet of her past trauma, she wordlessly pulled the razor blades out of her purse and gave them to the therapist. The feelings of helplessness and its resulting rage or despair (or rage because of despair) when we are fractured in a fundamental way from life are so overwhelming we not only can lose our voice but our coherence.
Helplessness is what we experience when we believe we have no choices, for to us, choice seems to be the very essence of life itself, as choice is how we have been given to participate in the dance of life with the Life Giver. Therefore, no choice presents as no life. I believe helplessness is the very feeling of death. Feelings of helplessness lie at the bottom of all trauma. Trauma is experienced as either a near-death experience or perhaps even a symbolic death experience, for all trauma fragments the self at a fundamental level because the sense of self is apparently built out of the sense of connection with what is perceived as not-self. Trauma, therefore, in the act of fragmenting us from the mirror of what we are connected to, simultaneously fragments us from our sense of purpose; or, identity. We lose the foundational essence of who we are, and in the process, we lose our ability – our voice – to be able to connect coherently with others.
All sin traumatizes: it fragments us from our identity as it destroys our power of choice in that place. In those areas, we lose the power of self-representation, too. In those places, we then need an Advocate. Badly! Somehow, David had finally gotten it so deeply engrained to the bottom of his soul that he had Someone on his side no matter what that he could keep his identity – his ability to yelp for help in that place.
May we also be able to say with Paul in 2 Tim. 1:12 “I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.” When we lose the sense of who we are, may we pray to be able to keep the sense of who He is. Grace is the transplantation of identity for selves who have lost those vital connections. Grace is what gives us a voice when we have lost our own. In the blackest of nights, we can cling to our Big Brother who has the power not only to represent us, but to reconnect us back to life: back to choice: back to Him. Halleluah!
1 john 3:1,2 – I was just journaling how I am not recognized by the world, nor will I recognize myself by looking to the world ,I’m a child of God and when Christ is revealed then I become what I see…… and I pray that the loss of sight for myself may mean that we are close to a revealing of Him in us – in our true selves…..
Colleen, I think you highlighted the paradox for me: we are created to depend on relationship with all around to reveal who we are, but because all around are now likewise fragmented, the mirror is essentially shattered. Where can we go now but to Him?
In the problem lies the solution, but the solution offers SO MUCH MORE than the original design! Sin is the problem. I think death is the experience of sin – death of self identity (based on lateral relationships, that is), and that death is experienced as trauma. I think the only death NOT experienced as trauma (or trauma experienced as death) is the chosen or freely embraced death (aka Abraham or Yeshua or repentant sinners), but that takes practice.
Sin sneaks up on us and overwhelms us: either our sin or the sin of others. The experience is traumatic! In the process of learning that the world is not reliable, we must turn to the One who is, to show us who we are. “Christ formed in me” is now my only “hope of glory”; but what a glory! Who we are in Christ is an identity that no sin can destroy (except what I think is the unpardonable sin of turning away from Him of course (which we all do all the time) BUT NEVER COMING BACK: now that, He cannot forgive.)
May we all, like you, learn to trade in the identity that can be shattered (or already is) for the one that can’t. It only has the power to hurt us until we let it go. Whew! What a relief! Our true self looks just like Him. Who knew?
Greetings friends, it’s been too long! I appreciate Laurita’s comments on the importance of choice to life . It is what YeHoVaH set before us in the Torah ” Today I set before life or death blessing or the curse…choose life” Paul suggests we ” take captive every thought”. Fixing them on life is implied. Integrating our trauma is done , it seems to me, through isolating them to their proper context. Isolated incidence become a perspective when taken out of the historical context and drawn into the immediate. We over react from our histories .. Likely because we are in an antagonistic spirtual atmospher. We have an adversary set aginst our life and growth . He tries to goad us into over reacting from our history rather than the responding appropriately to the present context. Something I shared recently on worksofwordsdotlive underlines that battle. ..
I wrestled again last night with that imposing pressure.
That force that tries to imprint on my heart – my insufficiency, my inadequacy, my need!
At dawn I saw that it was my effort to ward off that sense, my defenses and projections, call it what you will-
It is the real problem.
I , you, we all where created to be what we are. You and I are fine- as we are.
What we lack Yehovah can and will provide, general through those about us.
We need one another because others have what we lack.
We where made incomplete in ourselves, because no one but God is complete in himself.
Yet we are in Him so he is our wholeness and sufficiency:
That is the mystery of Godliness- the truth of Righteousness.
Thank you for your part in fulfilling my lack, you are at times strong where I am weak.
You are able where I sometimes am not.
It is together we are made whole, not alone.
It is ok to be just as we are now, for that is reality;
That is becoming true.