Adhesive Qualities
Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
Cleave – You’ve probably heard this verse at least one hundred times. Every wedding, every sermon about marriage, every book and video from a Christian perspective ends up with this verse somewhere in the subject matter. But what no one told you is that the Hebrew verb here is not the one we would have expected, especially if we thought that becoming one flesh had anything to do with sex. If you really want to see what God has in mind, you’ll have to do some deeper investigation.
The verb here is davaq. It means cleave or cling. It’s about stickiness. But it probably isn’t the verb we would have used. You see, davaq is a middle of the road, passive response verb, best suited for gluing things together. It isn’t the passionate, relationship-oriented verb that characterizes the love action we want in erotic intimacy in marriage. In fact, it’s more about sticky wet clods of dirt (Job 38:38) or fastening crocodile scales (Job 41:9) than it is about passionate, sexual embrace. You won’t find davaq in the Song of Solomon. So, why does it show up here, in the quintessential verse about marriage? And why has every pastor who has ever given a wedding sermon using this verse avoiding talking about dirt clods?
If we look at the way davaq is used when it describes relationships between people, we see that it can describe both friendly and hostile circumstances (Laban and Jacob). It describes relationships between members of the same sex (Ruth and Naomi). In Wisdom literature, it parallels ahav (to love – Proverbs 18:24). We see it used to describe Israel’s relationship with YHWH (Jeremiah 13:11). This wide range of applications tells us something important. Davaq does not carry the emotional, erotic, passionate nuances we expect. Davaq is about deliberate commitment. Even when it is used in hostile circumstances, it is about willful, considered attachment. Ruth, Laban and the men of Proverbs are not making choices based on emotional overload. Neither does YHWH. God’s choice of Israel is deliberate, calculated and permanent. It is the ultimate example of stickiness.
This helps us understand why Genesis 2:24 uses davaq, not hashaq (the verb for adhering to someone in love). Marriage is a deliberate commitment to stick together. It is not based on emotional, physical or psychic attraction. It has very little to do with how I feel. That’s why marriage in the Torah can be arranged by the families without any interaction between bride and groom. Marriage is covenant activity. All the other expressions of love that we so commonly associate with our view of marriage really don’t matter. What matters is the glue.
Next time you hear about the twenty-nine areas of compatibility, smile! Glue comes in only one flavor. Oh, by the way, did you notice that it is the man who does the sticking?
Topical Index: marriage, davaq, glue, cleave
so, what happens when the husband is an abuser? what happens when the wife, acting out of the ingrained ways of the woman, senses something is wrong, or sees the danger, and warns her husband of danger and all she gets is verbally abused, accused of being a control freak?
I was that wife. I gradually learned many things. Diplomacy. Non-confrontation. Respect for boundaries (free choice). Love anyway. Most importantly, how to honor loyalty to the marriage and husband without endorsing sin (impossible to do without the leading and miraculous interposition of the Holy Spirit). Eventually I found my way to Alanon where I learned to refine and perfect the art of detachment with love. These are not grade school topics, nor, I think, can they be necessarily learned anywhere but the field of battle.
Embattled wives are in a unique position to hone a set of skills many a diplomat could well envy. That ‘sticky’ stuff is very compelling. People can stand on the outside of a marriage and scratch their heads a lot about some really awful stuff going on, but there is redemption, as well as deliverance, found nowhere else. These must be earnestly prayed for and sacrificed for. Marriage ties us to the spiritual fortunes of another in a way not found in any other union. An abusive spouse, I have learned (by listening to mine) is one who does not know how to treasure or trust themselves, particularly in relationship. This deficit must be addressed and given the respect it requires for a lasting change to be possible.
Eventually, the wife will get ‘heavy’ enough, spiritually, for the husband to make a different choice about that ‘glue’. Mine made the choice to avoid his essential fracture with heaven and himself, no matter what. That was also the choice to avoid the fracture with his family, which voided the marital contract. It was his choice, even though I was the one who had to follow through on it (by that time I was used to doing the ‘dirty’ work associated with his choices). I came out of that marriage a different person, for sure, but I don’t think I am the naive, susceptible person I was when I entered the marriage. I do not regret my marriage, and would do it again – just to honor my heart (as well as gain those amazing children). And, hey, battles are only shameful if you lose!