Who to Blame?
“Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.” Genesis 16:5 NIV
You are responsible – “It’s not my fault.” Oh, how we love the sound of those words! Of course, if it’s not my fault then it must be someone else’s error. The follow-up to “It’s not my fault” is “It’s your fault.” And the place where this little exchange happens most often is between husband and wife.
Abram and Sarai are a pattern-repeat of the Adam and Havvah story. The narrator makes sure that we recognize this pattern by using certain words and phrases in both stories. For example, both stories contain the rare Hebrew word about putting the man into a deep sleep (a trance). Both stories contain the phrase “and he listened to his wife.” And in Sarai’s expression we find the words of Adam, shifting blame to the other party. Adam was quick to exonerate himself by blaming the woman in spite of the fact that the commandment was given to him and he was present during the entire conversation with the serpent. Sarai shifts the blame to her husband in spite of the fact that she is the one who initiated the plot and encouraged his participation. Man blames woman. Woman blames man. And around and around we go.
We might also notice that in both cases the blame game is the direct result of not trusting in the words of YHVH. Blame is a function of disobedience. If we do what God says and trust that what He says is true and good, there is no need to absolve ourselves. The only reason we are motivated to blame another is because we have failed to act righteously. In fact, even when we are truly the innocent victim of someone else’s sin, there is no grounds for blame because we are still under the hand of the Lord and what He does with our lives is not a matter of accident but rather a purposeful use of who we are in order to accomplish what He desires. Will we blame another if we recognize that God is using even this incident to accomplish the good? Or will we find consolation in knowing that no matter what happens to the righteous, God’s purposes are coming to pass? There is a great deal more than punishment involved in the statement, “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.”
Of course, knowing the spiritual ramifications of blame does not make the temptation go away. Perhaps that’s why the Bible contains so many stories about the results of blaming. It’s a very human trait. It’s worth noting that Sarai blames her husband for the hamas done to her. But she really did the violence to herself, didn’t she? Maybe that reflection is the starting place for avoiding blame.
How is the blame game to be avoided? What does righteousness say about our propensity to defer responsibility? In a word, repent! The temptation to blame should become the vehicle of repentance. Instead of “It’s your fault,” how about “I repent that I even thought of blaming you. I did it to myself.” That, of course, leads to one more godly conversation, “Forgive me.”
Topical Index: blame, repent, forgive, Genesis 16:5
Thank you! This was good for me.
I wanted to follow the flip side of this, if I could, a little. I am talking about when a child experiences unresolved trauma: specifically, trauma of some sort where they do not experience at least one adult who takes full responsibility for the issue at hand; where the child will typically blame his or her own SELF, in an effort to ‘fix’ it. It never does, of course, but how many times is a child hurt by self blame, and no one notices? It is a silent crime! A crime of omission, would it not be? (Sorry, y’all, but I am currently slogging through the implications of this in my life right now, so this is just where I am at, today.)
Self blame is huge. In fact, I wonder how many adults are walking around in self blame as their standard go-to response to anything in life that they perceive as unmanageable? It still doesn’t ‘fix’ it, even then, but how much of it goes down every day for us (under the term ‘righteousness’, no less!)? How much of our day do we spend kicking ourselves for everything that doesn’t turn out the way we thought it should? And how much of that did we actually learn in that myopic, narcissistic childhood view of The Way Things ‘Posed To Be?
For decades, I used self blame as motivation; it was fuel in my tank to spur me on to ‘fix’ it. I used self abandonment as a response to a world that I perceived as a universal entity that had abandoned me, first. I used self hatred as a way to explain that the reason I thought the reason things were so bad was because God had deemed me Not Able To Be Helped.
Self blame, I finally figured out (with a fair amount of help), falls under idolatry to Self. It is a form of self hatred, in fact (NOT self love!), because it puts focus on self in the place where we should be putting focus on God. It was part of the package I had to repent of, along with all the other nice little ‘motivators’ I found I had been using to get through my day without God. All of those motivators, in fact, were accomplishing the de facto result of rebellion. Anytime I rely on Self in the places I am supposed to rely on God, I am in rebellion. It was astounding to me to see that, exactly in those places- those places were I was blaming myself- I thought I was being righteous! I thought it was taking responsibility; but actually, because I was stepping in the WAY, I was preventing God from solving my problems. He cannot fix a problem I am insisting on taking responsibility for! I think this is what makes self blame a sin. Further, I was doing it as a preemptive measure to ‘keep’ others, INCLUDING GOD, from blaming me! That was even worse! Now we are back to the self-discipline (notice how SELF gets put first in this self-idolatry cluster) that the world teaches us to do, and calls it self-righteousness (Look! Self is getting top billing again!). All, all, in a place where we should have been trusting God! All, all of it Hatred of Self- not truly loving myself- masquerading as righteousness! Unfortunately, the best examples of how to blame myself, I learned by not only watching the Christians around me do it (while thinking they were being righteous, no less) but I was actively taught how to do it, too, also in the name of righteousness! How many times do we haul a child around by the ear, and tell them they should just be ashamed of themselves, whenever we get upset! What have we really taught that child? I am beginning to suspect that when we as adults go to blame ourselves as a response to messes, we are reverting back to a childish emotional state; a state where a child either did not perceive themselves as having an adult (who represents God in a very real way to that child) willing and able to take responsibility, or even where an adult was actively blaming the child for the state of affairs. It is what we learn to do in a place where, in fact, we should have been learning something quite different!
Ok, let us go back and refer to the above TW. Now, what were we supposed to be doing in that place instead of doing the blame game thing?
OK, OK, I didn’t mean to leave anybody halfway through the creek, so I am back. I guess the question then becomes, exactly HOW do we take responsibility without blaming either ourselves, or others, or, by implication, God? (I say by implication, because few of us, I think, are brave enough to do it to His face! I know I wasn’t!) If accusation (which laying blame is) is a sin, then what would be righteousness in a place where responsibility should be taken? Well, it is not righteousness to ignore a problem (that is a sin, because someone is going to suffer!), blame the wrong party for it, even it that would be myself (that would be false witness, would it not?), pretend it is ok (that would be lying), or, worst of all, re-label a problem as righteousness, and thus glorify it! So, what does that leave us?
By the way, how exactly can I blame God without thinking I am? I think the worst way I did it was through self pity. Feeling sorry for myself put the blame on Him, because, not only did it elevate me to self-idolatry status (focus on myself!), it prevented me from doing what I had been commanded to do (give thanks in EVERYTHING). The cure, in fact, for self pity is to learn to give thanks instead! But, I digress.
Responsibility. My half of the yoke. Well, half is exactly that. Half. Not all. So, how do I pull in tandem when there is a problem? First, I need to identify what the Serenity prayer applies to, and if anybody here still does not know it, it is pretty handy, y’all, and, although I have seen a few problems with it, I don’t think they really apply to this situation. So, I quote: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Identify the origin of the problem, and apply the correct solution to the CAUSE, and not to the effect. We are really good at chasing after accidents down in the valley after they have already run off their cliffs, and we are also really good at focusing on symptoms instead of primary causes, too. How many times I have prayed to have a particular pain removed, instead of asking Him to remove the splinter that was causing that pain? How many times have I wanted to continue to ‘own’ the problem, whether it be a pet sin, or even something I have deemed ‘my’ responsibility, when I should have been letting Him deal with it, instead? What was I thinking? That I needed to impress myself, Him or others with my ability to ‘handle’ it? Oops. There is that performing for love stuff again! Excuse me, y’all, I have to go do some more repenting! That wasn’t taking responsibility! That was insanity!
Responsibility. The art of putting credit where credit is due. First, I think if there is a problem that has been made to appear as if it were caused by something or someone other than what is really driving it, I have a RESPONSIBILITY to re-define the problem and put the blame back where it belongs. If I am busy blaming God, then how am I going to ask Him for help to fix it? I have made Him part of the problem, when I should have been making Him part of the solution! How many times have I attempted to put Him in a catch-22 blame, instead of just crying for help? How many times did MY guilt look for a place to shift itself off to, instead of just repenting? How many times did I look for a Scapegoat, when One has already been provided? And how many times did I not get the lesson that hard times might have just been there for the purposes of teaching me faith and trust in that place? How many times have I simply misdiagnosed the problem?
Responsibility. My half the yoke. It is really simple, y’all. Give the problem to Him. Let HIM define it, own it, place any and all relevant blame. Then, the part He hands back to me, whether it be problem definition, or my part of the solution; well, accept it, and do it. How many times have I kept the problem, and just handed off part of it to Him, instead? And, if I did happen to get it given to Him (briefly), did I want to argue about the part He handed back to me (I wanted Him to fix it all!). Especially those repenting parts! So many times I chose to continue to carry the guilt (self blame) for the purposes of continuing to ‘own’ the problem! For all the obvious reasons. Oh, its time for me to go do some more repenting! Bye, everybody!
Quick Draw McGraw
How quick we (all) are to “point the finger!” – And how immature we (all) are at heart. Yes, it is more “blessed” to give (blame) than to receive! “It’s all your fault!” – And it doesn’t even matter “who” it is.. – just as long as it isn’t the man in the mirror.
Yes, we have witnessed this behavior since the Garden, Adam blaming Eve, Eve blaming the Serpent, Sarah blaming Abraham for all of her (self-inflicted) woes, and on and on it goes (the beat goes on)- “It’s all YOUR fault!”
Ah, that “pointing finger!” How quick! How powerful! How downright handy it is! BaM!! – It’s your fault! No, – yours! No!- Yours! Eeesy-peesy, isn’t it?
This “finger of doom?” can even be seen carried by mighty Isaiah! Woe is you! and you! and you! Until Isaiah has his own “wake-up” call(?) and “aha moment(?)” and then recognizes/realizes/repents.. Woe is “ME” for “I” am undone! “I” am a man of unclean lips. Forgive “ME,” LORD! – YES, -It’s me. It’s me. It’s me, O LORD, standing in the need of prayer.
“I” (dear friend) am the one. We used to (back in the day) call this.. “personal responsibility,” before it was fashionable/profitable/”politically correct” to “blame” someone (anyone other than “ME”) for everything and anything.
The BUCK stops Here.
Yes, the flying finger of “blame” now points in the right direction. “Personal responsibility” for my own thoughts, actions, “hamas” (anger, even violence!), “Personal sins!!” “I” (even I) have done these things!! – Is there a cure?
Yes! Oh Yes! – There is. There is a “personal” Savior. If “I” confess “MY” sins, “He” is Faithful and Just to forgive “me,” “my sins” and to cleanse “me” from all unrighteousness. Forgiveness is mine for the asking. “Father, forgive “ME” for “I” have sinned! And (dear ones) -again and again, – what DO the scriptures say?
Ask, – and “YOU” will receive!! Seek.. and “YOU” will find! Knock, (patiently-persistently) and it will be opened/revealed unto “YOU!”
Repentance is personal. I cannot “repent” for you. Believe me, if I could, – I would! (in half a heart beat!). Repentance and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin.
Let’s think “relationally” for a moment. Listen in, “behind closed doors,” to our private conversation:
“Sweetheart, I was wrong. I blundered. Would you please “forgive me?”
And “if” or “when” she does.. – if she does magnanimously forgive, -“right-relationship” is restored, and our marriage, our “union,” -our “fellowship” one with another is now “back to happy!”
How do we live as Children of Light?
~ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
[but instead! – “Repent!!”- and]
*Be (intentionally/purposefully) kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you!! (Ephesians 4.32)
Today, if there is a “rift” (a tear, a rip, a hole) in any relationship.. – it may be “restored!!” and made whole again. How is this done? We have these two wonderful God-given weapons!! Repentance and forgiveness. Why? Because without a single doubt.. – It is the God-ordained and God-blessed “right thing” to do!
“Forgive me.” Are mere words, a text , a message left on a phone, or on a blog or conversations that people spew out with out meaning or responsibility for behavior, remorse, grieving our pain, losses, and without change.
Communicating writing about it without eye contact or in person they are still only words. We have a lot of words today every where! If just words healed people we would have a great healed society . In most cases just an avoidance or assumptions do not heal or restore relationships. It only make” you ” feel better . I don’t think that is “Teshuvah “, communication and seeking of forgiveness is a lost art .. We need practice!! .
According to a couple of authors on this subject I liked that had some good thing to say ” The lost art of Listening,” the 2nd edition , by Dr Nichols, and ” The Power of an Apology” , by Beverly Engel .
Blame and responsibility. How do these two concepts relate? Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have read and studied to try to discover the source of the problem within myself. Am I responsible? Should I blame myself? Did I cause this? If I didn’t, then who did? I’m mostly convinced that cancer grows in response to sin, but whose sin? Is it mine? Is it my emotional and spiritual state, my dietary habits? Or was I simply in the wrong place at the wrong time? The more I have studied into this, the more I become convinced that the responsibility lies in our society of greed, as well as in myself. Now, is this blaming institutions, corporations, even government for not making safety a priority over profit? I am thinking of the thousands of toxic chemicals being used in our industries, and spread around the world, even into our homes. These are in our food, in our air, in our transportation systems. We cannot escape man made chemicals that have not been tested long term nor in their combinations. All it takes is a low immune system, for any reason, for cancer to grow.
So who is responsible? Who is to blame? Is it not all of us, all mankind? And from there I ponder, what can I do about this personally? Can I make my environment better? Can I make it better for others?
Then I consider another question, am I spending too much time on the physical? And not on the spiritual? As you can tell, I’m thinking
“Still under the hand of the lord “….. I need prayer to accept that , so if my husband is abusive & projects & wants me to be responsible for his sin , which I refuse, than I am to accept he isn’t responsible??????
Of course not! Every person is accountable for his or her own sins. You are NOT accountable, and NOT responsible, but whether of not God is asking you to be there is a different matter. And whether or not He wants you to exert influence for righteousness inspire of the sins of others is also YOUR question, not you husband’s. Standing for what is right is always difficult, sometimes excruciatingly so. But if that is what God wants, then do it. If not, then don’t do it. Ask Hosea.
Conscience- is a personal inner awareness/sense of right and wrong that you use to guide your actions. If we are not impelled to act right morally, we can say our conscience is dead.
Blaming game is ignoring the conscience intentionally, when we know we have done wrong or wronged another, but refuses to acknowledge it.
There’s no equivalent to conscience in Hebrew, it is a heart matter- inner ethical realisation. Thus if our hearts are right before YHWH, our conscience is alive, with the fear of YHWH working in us.
So when we repent, we ought to have a change of heart towards righteousness in YHWH’s ways.
Ultimately, YHWH is the judge.