Life in Review
And in fasting I wept for my being—it became a reproach for me. I made sackcloth my garment and became for them a byword. I was the talk of those who sit in the gate, the drunkards’ taunting song. Psalm 69:11-13 [Hebrew] Robert Alter
Wept for my being – You will remember Alter’s comment that some interpreters believe this poem to be the work of a pseudonymous author who is reflecting Judaic conflict about the second Temple. The previous verses recalling the derision of brothers might lead us to reject this approach, viewing it instead as David’s feelings about his ostracization from the family when anointed king. That seemed legitimate for prior verses, but now the tension mounts. The historical account of David as a young man certainly doesn’t seem to support these statements.
“Wept for my being” is the expression va-evke nafshi from bākâ (to weep) and nepeš (life, person). Most traditional English Bible translate this as “when I wept for my soul,” adding the intervening word for fasting or being humbled or something equivalent. But Alter’s rendition is closer to the Hebrew since “soul” carries a host of Greek philosophical nuances that Hebrew does not. The phrase might be translated “I wept for myself.” It expresses that time in life when we are ready to give up being, when there doesn’t seem to be a way out, when the emotional sledge hammer falls so heavily that we are pulverized to the core. Like the time a knelt down by my two-year-old’s bed in the dark and cried and cried, knowing that my life was veering out of control and that I would lose him in the chaos of divorce. Seventy-four years have passed. The pain remains.
These sentiments can’t be accounted for with a simple explanation about sibling rivalry. These are much, much deeper. These are existential anguish, the primal scream tearing us into helpless pieces, shattering the silence of desperate despair. Now I know what the poet means—covered in ashes, shamed in the streets, the butt of drunken jokes, the scapegoat of political execution. There is only one way I can ascribe these to David. After Bathsheba. After Nathan. After everyone knew. Total public humiliation. Now I know why he would weep for his being. He has nothing left of the honor once bestowed on this anointed man of God. He is ridiculed in the street, a topic of conversation by fools, the scourge of the city leaders. This is David in review. As he surveys his life, he is palpably aware of his failure and fall. No wonder he cries over just being alive for being alive is the constant reminder of his humiliation. Better to die than to endure this. And for some, death becomes the option. The verb itself, bākâ, is often used for weeping over death. David won’t choose that escape, but we can certainly understand why it seems possible. What we discover is another way, seen in the next few verses. So, hold your breath. Hang on for dear life. Wait one more minute. As Twelve Step people say, “Don’t give up just before the miracle happens.”
Topical Index: weep, bākâ, va-evke nafshi, humiliation, Psalm 69:11-13
